http://www.blogger.com/home?pli=1
4236 words
7
THE SHUTTLE THAT A BABY COULD DRIVE
They returned to the Spaceship shuttle. “Think it’s time we tried to move on” Daneel said. “Though it’ll be sad to leave SirMadam”.
“Perhaps he’d like to come with us. Have a bit of a break” Giskard said. So they asked SirMadam and he said, “Yes please. All this Hetty business is pretty damn sickening. All my cats destroyed!”. So SirMadam prepared to come along too.
Only the shuttle decided not to move. Comprehension bloomed. “Oh fuck! Have we ran out of juice…” The robots cursed a bit as they tried to read the fuel gauge. “Shit! Guess we should’ve filled up during our journey through the last hydrogen-atom-rich nebula. Careless careless! We live and learn”.
“If”, dear old Sammy the old robot spoke up in his lugubrious way, “I might be so bold as to make a suggestion….?”
“Yes Sammy dear friend”, Giskard said, kindly. “Do go ahead”. He took Sammys hand to encourage him further.
“I think it would be expedient to maybe hire a shuttle and then we could get up to the Ship and send out robotic scoops to gather in the atomic hydrogen necessary to fuel our Ship – and this shuttle also”.
“Hey, brilliant, Sammy” said Daneel warmly. “Trust us not to think of that before”.
Giskard got onto the Galactanet, which would give details of shuttle hire firms on this planet. They looked for the nearest City which was just a normal city not caves of steel. It was about five miles away. “Is there a good bus service?” Daneel asked. “Damn well hope so for if their cars look as lousy as the Police one we saw, space help us!” Fortunately there was. A nice regular one running past the front of SirMadams house, every twenty minutes right into town. And SirMadam told them that public transport was free so no worries about not having any currency. “It would be a robotic bus too”. Better and better.
“Well that’s what we’ll have to do” Daneel decided. So they trooped out of the shuttle again, SirMadam too, and found the bus stop and a bus came along that said Town on it, so they all got on and sat down and the bus went along and then someone at the back said, “Cripes look at that grey robot!” and Elijah said, “Oh fuck!” under his breath and Daneel said, in a Mr Bean voice, “Whadd’ya know. A blooming xenophobe,” and Giskard waggled his head and deadpanned, “Hey ho I’m a grey-ho”, and SirMadam looked momentarily discomforted and then, rebelliously, “Oh bugger it all. It’ll be a homophobe next.” And Daneel undid his richly-patterned shirt a little (to reveal a smidgen of pectoral cleavage), stuck out his full lower lip and said, “And then it can be a sexist after that”. Daneel was terribly cool and classy seeming but he loved to slum a little sometimes – as well as change sex occasionally. He’d already asked Elijah what he preferred him, Daneel, as and Elijah had just said, “As yourself Daneel. Just bring out the boobs when necessary”, so it seemed like Elijah saw Daneel as mostly male-seeming as it was more comfortable for him.
“I think I must be bi”, Elijah concluded, when they had this conversation again with SirMadam over ‘tea’ in his elegant drawing room. “I mean I can fancy women too, nothing against them or anything - or not mostly – but one always feels one has to fuss round them so. You know, remember to open doors and pull out chairs and walk behind them and then they turn round and call you a fucking chauvinist but they still want this done really and if you don’t remember they call you a lout or a boor and if there’s one thing worse than a male chauvinist it’s a female one! Jess had given up on me towards the end and anyway I think she had found someone else by then, she kept mentioning some man’s name and said her mother liked him and he liked dogs blah blah - so putting two and five together….”
“And by then old R.Daneel had come along”, said Daneel. “Like a great big bore,”and Elijah said, “Hardly that. My saviour!” and then, “Even Boss got to liking him in the end and Boss loathed robots and Spacers, was a real NIMBY but loved art and beauty and, well, Daneel fitted that bill perfectly: a real work of art – as you can see for yourself,” and SirMadan wholeheartedly agreed and couldn’t do so more.
“Both Classical and Exotic”, had been his verdict and this summed it up perfectly. Daneel had indeed been fashioned with this most desirable type of looks: a blend of ethnic classy European and ethnic asiatic and also semitic – a typically Spacer look, especially with the rich red-gold-brown hair colour, golden skin and wonderful cheekbones. Giskard too in his facial structure was based on this sort of racial blend-type – minus the hair. And then, on the bus into Town, the same annoying voice said, “And isn’t that a Spacer too”, and Daneel muttered “Suit yourself, ducky”. Elijah snorted and looked mutinous. And then, “Let’s have a singsong”, SirMadam said, “and let ‘em all see that we are a fascinating cross-section of the population: a human male, a humaniform, a metallo robot and a hermaphodite”. And Elijah added, “A human bisexual male. Not a hetty”, and then, “guess all we should have to complete the picture is a female”.
“But Daneel as a 50-50 and I, as what I am, can represent that particular box, can we not,” SirMadam said archly and this was generally agreed too. He turned to the speaker. “So you see, everything is fairly represented, my good person,” and the speaker looked embarrassed and somebody else giggled.
The bus came into Town. “Is this just called Town?”, Giskard asked. It seemed it was. “How then do you differentiate this from other towns if they’re all called Town” and Daneel said, “Ask a stupid question get a stupid answer. As a robot I should know that”. “Excuse me”, Giskard said, “But I’m just a boring logical robot”. And Elijah said, “This reminds me of Alice
Elijah was really getting quite silly these days and developing a sort of neverneverland humour. They’d all seen the Old Earth Classics: Yellow Submarine and Queen and Micheal Jackson videos and the Monkees. But Elijah could still solve murder mysteries really.”Johh Lennon was shot and Michael Jackson poisoned and Freddy Mercury died of AIDS – oh and John Bonham of Led Zeppelin died in his own sick ‘cause he’d drunk too bloody much. No mysteries about these. I need some REAL mysteries for a change,” and Daneel said, “Well you’ve been out of it for the last 300 years.” Daneel knew all the old Earth pop and rock stuff as did Giskard, especially Heavy Metal.
The bus stopped. “Everybody OFF” said a synthetic voice. “We are now terminating at Town. Last Bus is at 6am tomorrow morning and the first one after that will be at 6.10am the same morning”. “Well that’s handy” Elijah said. “Non stop bus service. Just ten minutes between the last bus and the next one starting up. What makes the last bus at 6am though,” and the robots between them explained. “Trust a nitpicky detective to ask that. It’s juicing up, see. Seems like most robots here need juicing up every so often. Not like us who are atomically powered by our own positrons”.
They got off. “We need a space shuttle hire place” Daneel said. They were in a typical looking High Street circa Western Earth 2000 AD on a dull Saturday afternoon. “Gawd this looks boring”, Daneel sighed. “There’s even a closed-down Woolworths,” and Giskard groaned, “Hasn’t anything progressed anywhere in the Galaxy since then…urrh, seems not. You need a few robots like us around. Especially grey ones!”
“Sorry about this” SirMadam said, “It is rather boring isn’t it. Retro you could say”.
“Well at least it’s pedestrianized,” Daneel said and they all agreed most heartfeltly. “I think”, SirMadam said, “the most likely shuttle hire place would be out of town, Probably next to a Tescos.” They all groaned. “Ah”, Daneel said,“that explains all these boarded up shops.Look at them. Killed off by Tescos and HomeBase and all that ilk”.
A quite kind looking man with glasses stopped by them.”Are you lost?”
“Yes” they said. “We need a shuttle hire place. Our spacehips shuttle’s run out of fuel”.
“Ah that would be next to Tesco Retros in the OutOfTown Shopping mall. You need the 37 bus for that. I say are you off-worlders. And you’re a grey metallo…!” the man looked quite impressed instead of scornful so Giskard was kind when he said, “Yes, we three are originally from Aurora and Earth – in the third arm of the Galaxy “ And then, “there’s obviously something weird or special about ‘grey metallos’. Funny I never thought of myself as a grey metallo. Just a metallo. But I notice all the metallos I’ve seen here are golden”.
“Yes, just one of those things “ the man said who had a nice mild sort of face. “but Auroran greys are noted for their extreme intelligence”.
“Well that’s nice” Giskard said agreeably. “Thankyou”.
“Isn’t he nice when he’s agreeable”, Daneel said drolly. “Don’t happen too often”. The man now looked with interest at Daneel. “If you don’t mind me saying, Ma’am you are not only beautiful you look like a classic Auroran” and Daneel gave a great wide smile, revealing his wonderful teeth, and said, “Why – thankyou, sir” and looked even more beautiful. And he hadn’t even got his boobs ‘on’ that day!
“Well you’ll find the 37 bus stop just in front of that dead Woolworths. Bad luck about your shuttle – hope you manage to find somethng suitable”.
“You are kind” SirMadam said, “I can guarantee that these are the loveliest gentlest beings I’ve ever met “ indicating Elijah, Daneel and Giskard. “Wouldn’t hurt a fly – except when it might hurt them – if you get my meaning. And then – watch it!”
“Best sort of being”, the man agreed. “Afraid I’m a bit of a wimp – run from trouble if you get my meaning” and the three off-worlders cried out, “The most sensible thing to do! We’re the most peaceloving folk and wouldn’t dream of looking for trouble but – if it finds us…well, if one can’t escape it has to be um dealt with.”
“Very commendable”, the nice man said. “Beware the Hetty’s” and they all chorused about knowing all about those. “I mean, I’m het myself but that doesn’t mean one’s got to go round being macho and disgusting”.
They were so pleased with the man that they invited him to come with them “That’s if you’ve no ties and nothing better to do….”, which of course, regretfully, he had. So they took their leave and went to the bus stop and a 37 came along and they got on and off they went and then came to the OutOfTown shopping mall and there, next to a vast HomeBase and an even vaster Ikea, oh and a Boots, was the hugest Tesco Retros they’d ever seen – a veritable tower block! “Josaphat!” Elijah gasped. “That is one damn biggie.”
It turned out the the shuttle hire was part of Tesco Retros – predictably. So was practically everything else. “Not even a Waitrose”, sighed them all. They dove into the vast cathedral of Tescos which was nearly half a mile wide. Of course it was all robots manning the tills and stacking the shelves so it was very peaceful really – robots with their economical concise movements do not make mindless clatter and slams or chuck things about like humans so it wasn’t like a typical Tescos after all. A robot directed them to the Shuttle hire office – right at the top of the tower! “Ugh I hate lifts”, groaned SsirMadam. “I ll do some shopping whilst you’re up there. They’re offering two of everything for the price of one would you believe”.
“Some things never change,” Elijah said. There was even some pop musak playing.
They whooshed up to the eleventh floor to the shuttle hire place. “We want to hire a space shuttle please” Daneel said to the typically off-hand (human) clerk. “For a couple of days”.
“Where’s your parent ship then?” She chewed gum.
“Orbiting this planet. About 100,000 feet above the atmosphere”.
“Well, wot’s it called?”
“The Good Ship Lollypop – sorry, we didn’t choose that monicker”.
“Oh, who did, then?”
“Um – “Daneel flicked a glance at Giskard. “Um, well – we’re managing it. Temporarily.”
“Managin’ it…?”
“Yes. Its owner-driver is off sick”.
“With wot?” She blew a bubble. Elijah wanted to vomit and then smack her stupid physog just for the hell of it.
(Fucking hell human, what is this crap!) With subtle ennunciated sarcasm, between them, Daneel and Giskard said, “With stress. Work-induced”.
(Asked enough…?) “You got a clean space driving licence then?”
A microsecond look passed between Giskard and Daneel. Robotese flowed silently between them. Daneel then put on his most beautious look and undid another shirt button. The clerk appeard to blink, and then looked at them like she’d never seen them before.
“Of course - sir”, she said her eyes going dreamy as she looked at Daneel, in male mode at the moment. ”Phwoooehhh! You are gorg— “ She pulled up short and remembered some of herself. “Er – Hold on a tick…”. And she brought up details of suitable shuttles on the holoscreen and Giskard pointed to an orange one. “That will do.”
“Well thass a huge one. Takes about 100 passengers. Cost a bit”.
“Oh – well then, this one…?” This was a yellow one. (Elijah, Giskard and Daneel did think about coming out with things about them all going on a yellow submarine and suchlike but decided not to just then.)
The yellow seemed to suit. Somewhat dulcified now she gave them a electronic chitty that would allow them into where they kept the shuttles near the Spaceport. They descended in the lift and SirMadam went home, having placed his delivery order, and the three offworlders went off and caught another bus to the Spaceport and found their nice yellow shuttle, standing in a row of others in a nearby field. Getting on was a doddle and then they slumped. “Oh fuck! We’ll now have to read up on how to drive this bloody crate”.
THE SHUTTLE THAT A BABY COULD DRIVE
They hunted round for the manual which wasn’t to be found because there wasn’t one. Not even online. Giskard sighed and slumped. “Maybe we should learn properly and actually get a driving licence”.
Elijah was a teeny bit alarmed now. Well, more than a teeny bit actually. What if they cocked up and either couldn’t get it off the ground or, worse still, bumped – or even, space forbid – crashed or stalled it…. Well he was no fucking help, when had he ever had to learn about spaceships let alone fucking drive them! (Note the increased f-words – they were all under duress now. It happens).
Then, before Elijah could exit for the safety of dirtside again, they then looked at the console. And - a baby could drive it! Just an on and an off button and a go button and a stop button and that was it. Along with the usual steering joystick. No wonder a manual wasn’t needed.
“Why didn’t we look at this first”, groaned Daneel. “Trust us to not do the obvious. That’s how human we’ve become!”
Chastened they sat down in the two Command chairs and carefully looked to see that it was really as beautifully simple as it first looked. It did seem so. “I still can’t believe it,” the two robots said in wonder. “On. Off. Go.Stop”. Such incredible design must be eons ahead of anything they’d come across before. Even the high-tech Aurora
“Ah”. Comprehension dawned as these two intelligent robots took cognizance of the semantics.
“Yes”, Daneel said, turning back to the console. “No question of it. This is exactly how I’d design a console. Completely logical. On. Off. Go. Stop. OOGS you could say”.
They sat in awe at such idiot-proof beauty and logic that it seemed only a woman could come up with. “Yes, “Giskard said, “we need more female pattern minds. No slur on you Lijey of course.
“That’s OK,” Elijah said, too humbled by this all to mind. All too goddarned true; men often couldn’t design anything that a human could simply straightaway use; it had been grumbled about for centuries but nothing seemed to change. Humanity went on getting gadgets and modcons that they couldn’t straightaway use or clean easily and which gave them breakdowns – if the bloody thing hadn’t broken down first – and which inevitably needed great thick fat or completely incomprehensible manuals.
“Look,” Daneel passed his hand across the console. “It would clean with just a wipe”. It was completely flat and smooth, no silly trims and frills or ins and outs or trying to make it look ergodynamic and like a racing car or a rocket which is what men’s designs all tended to end up like. This one though was just no-statement plain unadorned seamless instant useability. And each (big) button was differently coloured against a plain grey background and each had their particular function on it in big black letters. Oh it was lovely! A shuttle that a baby could drive. Only a woman could’ve thought this up. Ooogoogoo.
“Well, guess we just – press this little old red button. And then this next little old green button…”.Daneel spoke almost dreamily. There were the standard two joysticks, for driver and co-driver so Giskard and Daneel settled into the highbacked padded seats, and donned the standard headsets with mouth-mikes, and Elijah retired to a comfortable spare seat at the back. “I’ll be backseat driver”, he laughed. “So who’s co and who’s driver, huh”.
“Oh we’re democratic” Giskard laughed his cokey laugh.They all strapped themselves in. “Now if I say, Daneel you press the On button and I press the Go button, there’s pure democracy”.
The On got pressed. And then a jolly voice (possibly female) came though their headsets. “Hello there! All ready to go folks? You OK with the buttons…? Good, good!....Yes, isn't it magnificent!...thats the good old OOGS system – designed by a woman of course. Right ho, if you’re quite ready…just press the jolly old green Go button…that’s it…and you should be off”.
They were! The shuttle was a gravitonic so no nasty mess of belching flames and whathaveyou – just a smooth nearly-silent vertical take off. Robotese flowed silently between the two robots as they perfectly coordinated their moves.
“Now”, Giskard said, when they were up a goodish height, “we must tune in to our Ship… ah there it is! Just coming up over the horizon”.
The jolly voice said, still jolly, “Er, think you’re going a tad in the wrong direction, folks…that’s the SatNav satellite you see…”
“Oh shit! - Sorry”, Daneel said. “S’cuse the humanese!....Is that better…?”
“ A little – still a bit off. And there’s the TelComm satellite so you don’t want that either – thi-i-ink your ship is probably still below the horizon so you’re not picking it up yet. Steer in a southwestern direction now…tha-a-at’s it. Can be tricky I know”.
Elijah, reclining in the back seat, wasn’t sure he liked the idea of ‘tricky’. One didn’t find driving a space shuttle ‘tricky’. One drove it,. Or one didn’t And he tried not to think too hard about horizons either.
This one however was so easypeasy that even a baby could drive it was reassuring in its tolerance of novice drivers. Also it was gravitonic so had a lot of give and take. And the jolly traffic controller was awfully jolly and positive and very tolerant too, it seemed, of novice drivers.
“ A litle more to the south I think….that’s it. New to this are you….? Well we all gotta start somewhere haven’t we.” (Thanks a bunch, chum! thought Elijah).
They drove on a bit. Daneel and Giskard enjoyed the view out of the cockpit window even if Elijah decided to give this a miss and tried to read an old copy of The Biggest Issue (bought on the Beeniper planet where they very much still have the Homeless) that he’d found, stuffed into his trenchcoat pocket. They were flying over countryside now. Towns were scattered about and looked much like towns most anywhere. Then they saw the sea. “The sea!” said Giskard. “How I enjoyed a good swim in the crashing breakers—“
“A bit more south I think”, came the voice, still quite jolly.
“Oh sh— I mean, damn. There…”
“Er – you’re now going a bit – north now…”
“Oh lord. Must’ve turned the old joy a bit hard – or was that you, Gizza!”
“I thought this was supposed to be a democracy. I was only trying to help – you were drifting off a bit”.
“This is a sensitive mechanism. Not like our old clunkers. Which I’d reckoned to be the most advanced anywhere. Just goes to show…”
“I think this is a Rolls Royce”. Giskard said. “I saw the emblem on the side”.
“Oh, it is!”, came the voice with pride. “The best! You’ve got a beaut of a machine there”.
“Yes. It certainly feels it. Lovely”, Daneel said and turned the joy more carefully this time. The voice was encouraging. Now they were at least heading in the right direction this time.
The sun was sparkling off the sea like a thousand silvery lights and the sky was cerulean blue with little puffy white clouds. The two robot’s pozzies surged with satisfaction at the sight; they had been well programmed to find such things good. On Aurora
They speeded up a little. Then the voice said, “Urm, not quite so fast, folks. I’ve found your ship and it’s a little to the east now…”
“Oh! Is that our ship. It’s called the Good Ship Lollypop – sorry about that name, we didn’t— uh, we were in a silly mood when we chose that”.
The voice laughed. “It is a bit silly isn’t it. But you sound like you have good senses of humour and I do like a good sense of humour. Now turn a little south east…”
They flew over a beach with people sunbathing and swimming. Elijah risked a peek. “Brrrr! How could they. It’s freezing outside”. It wasn’t actualy; it was quite a warm day but Elijah wasn’t used to the outside sort of warmth. To him fresh air smelt wonderful but it was cold!
Daneel and Giskard were pleased that they were thought to have good senses of humour. They always so very much hoped that they did – such a positive aspect of humanity! No wonder the acronym GSOH had been immortalized.
“Um” Giskard said, ten minutes later. “Our ship…are you sure you saw it, Control? It could’ve been another like it. Ours is only a commonplace sort of typical cruise ship. Nothing special”.
“Ah, I thought I’d picked it up. But as you say maybe that was another just like it. Let’s see…ummm…Oh I do believe you’re right. It was another just like it. Terribly sorry folks, my bad,” - (Groovy, thought Elijah, a goofy Control!) - “Skies getting so full of crud these days what with satellites and whathaveyou all over the place”.
“Terrible isn’t it”, agreed Daneel and then, “What’s that?” Daneel’s acute robot’s eyes had seen a spark of light in the sky to the southwest again. “Hey, think I’m picking up our old friend, Lollypop…yay, that looks like our signal. At last! Control, I think I’ve found it at last”.
“Excellent. They really ought to make the signals more distinctive I always say - getting short on ringtones I suppose.”
Now to get to it. So, into orbit they went, enjoying a bit more view and then the sky started darkening which was a good sign they were now leaving the atmosphere and entering outer space, and a short while later they were hovering round in the vicinity of the Lollypop which now looked as huge as a small town. Now they had to try docking the shuttle – and trying not to bump it too much. Easy does it…
No comments:
Post a Comment
Any Constructive/Corrective Feedback welcome. And please do give reasons if you really don't like or approve of something. Many thanks.